Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak has finally bowed to the will of his people and relinquished control of the country – but only after accepting an offer to join the judging panel on the next series of television talent show The X-Factor.
Tens of thousands of Egyptians had been demonstrating against the thirty year reign of Mubarak as he refused to stand down before September’s election.
Just as it looked like Mr. Mubarak would cling onto power through the latest series of protests in Tahrir Square, the offer to become a judge on the next series of X-Factor came through to Cairo, allowing both Mubarak and the Egyptian people to get what they wanted in the end.
It is thought that as rumours continue to thrive that Simon Cowell may not be a part of the next series of the UK edition, ITV executives were keen to hire a high-profile figure who would compliment the loathsome nature of people involved with the show.
“Hosni Mubarak is exactly the type of publically reviled person who suits the X-Factor brand. He will fit right in on the judging panel beside the likes of Louis Walsh and Cheryl Cole,” commented an ITV source. “We look for strongly opinionated people who aren’t afraid of what the public might think, and that’s precisely what Mubarak will bring to the next series of The X-Factor.”
It is believed that contestants in the 2011 series will be banned from singing the Bangles’ 1986 hit “Walk Like an Egyptian”.
Fans of Ayrshire indie-rock group Biffy Clyro are threatening to boycott their favourite band after the appearance of one of their hits on the television show X-Factor.
The Scottish band’s 2010 anthem Many of Horror was performed by eventual winner Matt Cardle on Sunday’s final and has been released as a single in the race for Christmas number one, a move which has angered fans of ‘The Biff’, leading some to accuse the band of selling out.
“This is pure shockin’ man,” said one particularly spotty teenager. “I’ve been following Biffy since they were playing wee town halls in Kilmarnock. That’s when they had respect for their fans. Not now that they’ve sold their soul for a few pounds.”
“They’ve shown that they don’t care about their real fans anymore, the ones who got them where they are today. All they care about now is making money and getting their songs on TV,” berated another long-term fan.
“Rock music isn’t about making money and being heard on the radio,” bemoaned another follower of the Scots rockers. “It’s about keeping it real and catering to the small group of fans who have been there since the beginning! They’re our band, not yours!”
Deputy Prime Minister Nick Clegg has stepped into yet another voting row as it emerged today that he intends on reneging on his promise to vote for One Direction in tonight’s X-Factor final, instead now pledging to back Matt Cardle.
Mr. Clegg has been telling people for weeks that he will be registering his vote for the teenage boy band One Direction in the final of the hit talent show, insisting that it is his policy to “give the youth of today a chance”.
However, in a move which will come as yet another blow to Britain’s beleaguered student population, Liberal Democrat sources suggest that Mr. Clegg will go against his stated policy and instead vote for rival Matt Cardle.
It is unclear how much Mr. Clegg’s decision has been influenced by David Cameron.
Officials at the Department for Work and Pensions today admitted that they expect to see a mild surge in employment by Monday morning, with as many as 27 failed finalists from the ITV1 talent show The X Factor returning to their everyday life.
While some of the television finalists may move into a life of semi-celebrity status, frequenting London nightclubs and opening local pet stores in front of a crowd of 30 people, most of them are likely to return to their mundane public sector jobs and a life of non-existence.
“Although this would be considered a comparatively small addition to the workforce,” commented a government spokesman, “and we can’t take the skills of these people for granted, the current economic climate is such that any increase in employment has to be considered as a positive.”
Another benefit expected to be seen by the Department for Work and Pensions is an improvement in levels of productivity in offices up and down the country, with employees no longer having a reason to crowd around water coolers discussing the result of the previous night’s X Factor.
Employment experts predict that the end of the X Factor will benefit the UK economy to the tune of £700million.