Tag Archives: Wayne Rooney

Rooney transplant shock

Wayne Rooney stunned the footballing world on Saturday when he announced via his Twitter feed that he has visited a top London clinic to undergo a brain transplant.

The Manchester United striker posted the shock news on the micro-blogging site on Saturday morning, stating that he was “delighted” with the result of the transplant which has apparently quadrupled his IQ.

The 25-year-old England star Tweeted:  “Just to confirm to my followers I have had a brain transplant.  I’m tired of the stupid footballer stereotype and of people laughing at how baby Kai is smarter than I am.”

Rooney later began to comprehensively Tweet on a range of subjects from Newton’s Law of Gravitation to a 43-Tweet explanation of Albert Einstein’s E=mc² formula.

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Shock as grown man swears at football

Britain was today still paralysed by the shock of an adult male swearing at a game of football, five days after the incident took place in East London.

Ever since television cameras at Saturday’s Premier League fixture between West Ham and Manchester United caught the sound of a man swearing the country has been in a state of flummox, unsure of how to deal with the realisation that men are still cursing in the 21st century.

“I just happened to be sitting down with my lunch on Saturday afternoon when I fancied watching a bit of recreational sport,” said one concerned citizen.  “But then I heard the sound of a man swearing and I nearly choked on my soya bean tortilla wrap!  I was shocked to learn that men swear at the football.”

Another astonished viewer complained:  “Once upon a time this was a great, dignified country where people could enjoy sports without hearing such crass language.  Now we’re hearing men swearing at the football; it’s yet another example of broken Britain.”

One man was quoted as saying:  “This incident has shamed the entire country and, dare I say, it has ruined the Royal Wedding.”

On other pages….

  • EXCLUSIVE:  Why The Beatles might never record another album together
  • Scientific research shows that constantly banging your head against a brick wall will likely result in lasting physical damage
  • “Hitler was a very poor tipper” claims WW2 German waitress

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Are Wayne Rooney and Tiger Woods dating?

WORLD EXCLUSIVE

In an EXCLUSIVE story which will stun the sporting world, HEAT magazine this week reports how our network of celebrity spies across the glitzy London club scene have spotted footballer Wayne Rooney and leading golfer Tiger Woods together in a string of exclusive venues.

Both men have been the subject of more front page than back page stories in recent months as their respective marriages have come under increasing scrutiny in light of various sex scandals, and our top spies tell us that they have been seen in some of the Capital’s most expensive and trendy nightclubs’, in some instances even looking “intimate” and “as if they were having a good time”.

In a revelation which is sure to heap further misery upon Coleen Rooney, our mole tells us that the only possible explanation for Wayne and Tiger Woods being together in the nightclubs is that they are romantically involved.

“There’s no doubt in my mind that from what I could see, these two men were together.  Although it was dark and occasionally the clouds of smoke from the dance floor would obscure my vision, making it difficult to see where their hands were and indeed not allowing me a clear view of their faces, I could tell that it was Wayne Rooney and Tiger Woods and that there was more than friendship between them.  I’m no expert, of course, but their body language said everything.”

Despite Wayne Rooney being involved in a Champions League match at Old Trafford in Manchester on Tuesday night and even though Tiger Woods was known to be in the USA preparing for his involvement in next month’s Ryder Cup, the evidence that both men were together in a London nightclub this week is overwhelming.  It is believed that between them, Rooney and Woods have had sexual intercourse with every living woman in the world.  With that in mind, it stands to reason that they would turn to each other in search of their next sexual conquest.

On other pages in this week’s HEAT:

  • How to eat your own body weight in ice cream AND lose 12lbs in the process
  • REVEALED:  The real reason Big Brother bosses snubbed Jade Goody for their final show
  • Our fashion experts tell how YOU can make your own meat dress
  • Kelly Osbourne:  is she too fat thin?

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BREAKING NEWS: Footballer has extra marital sex

A footballer

Observers of the beautiful game  were left stunned by tabloid newspaper reports this morning of a highly-paid Premier League footballer indulging in acts of a sexual nature with a woman.  The footballer, who reputedly earns shitloads of money, is also a married father of a recently-born child.

IN OTHER NEWS:

  • Man walks on moon
  • God may or may not exist, according to some
  • Biologist discovers evidence of bear excrement in woods

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