Tag Archives: Scottish Parliament election

Salmond thanks self in victory speech

A triumphant Alex Salmond this evening thanked himself for his own “hard work, dedication and all-round brilliance” as he delivered his victory speech in Edinburgh following a historic Scottish parliament election.

Mr. Salmond, who will now serve a second four-year term as President of Alex Salmond, was beaming with pride and smugness as he stepped off his helicopter to give the speech everyone had been waiting for.

“I would like to promise the people of Scotland that my party and I will endeavour to do everything possible to further the cause of Alex Salmond,” said Mr. Salmond.

“This is a great, historic day for the Scottish nation.  They have afforded themselves the privilege of being governed by Alex Salmond for four more years.”

“And not only is it a proud moment for Scotland, but it is a proud moment for me too.  I’ve worked hard for decades to learn to like the sound of my own voice and to constantly be able to find ways of getting publicity for myself.  So I, on behalf of my colleagues in the SNP, would like to thank myself for my efforts in getting the SNP re-elected.”

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Tavish Scott to continue policy of not being very interesting

The leader of the Scottish Liberal Democrats, Tavish Scott, today insisted that he will not be forced into changing his campaign strategy of being not at all interesting despite the latest polls showing that support for the party has fallen below 10% ahead of the May 5th Holyrood election.

Speaking at a rally this morning Mr Scott, the MSP for Shetland, said:  “Alex Salmond might have a charismatic personality, and the Labour Party may have policies with substance, but sometimes what a country needs is a politician who is exceedingly dull and has absolutely nothing of interest to say.”

Despite Easter Sunday polls suggesting that support for the Liberal Democrats is as low as 8%, Mr. Scott insisted that he will not stop talking in a monotone voice and that he will continue to introduce boring policy initiatives.

Elsewhere on the campaign trail…

  • Alex Salmond dons daft hat in photo opportunity
  • Green Party goes off-roading in 4×4 diesel guzzlers on day off
  • Annabel Goldie finishes runner-up to David Cameron in survey of “sexiest Tory female of last 50 years”

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