Tag Archives: New Year

Local man celebrates New Year by going to bed early

A local man brought in the New Year by going to bed even earlier than usual.

While millions of people around the world celebrated the arrival of 2011 by attending spectacular street parties in Edinburgh, London, New York and Sydney, 48-year-old local man Thomas O’Neill took the decision to go to bed at approximately 10:30pm.

“Hogmanay is just another night for me,” said Mr. O’Neill.  “I don’t have to stay up drinking until 3am like everybody else.  Being Scottish I have another 365 days to do that.”

In other news:

  • Village still stuck in 2010 as clock stops at 11:58:47
  • Fireman celebrates New Year by getting his hose out
  • Fury as village pub runs out of whisky by 5pm

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Fear as shops close for a day

Panic spread through Britain’s retail sector today when millions of shoppers realised that all of the nations shops would be closed tomorrow as the country celebrates New Years Day.

With the traditional confusion of dates in the week between Christmas and New Year leaving many people vexed, there was sudden hysteria as the realisation slowly began to dawn on customers that today is the 31st of December, meaning that they would be unable to shop tomorrow.

Supermarkets witnessed a stampede of customers this afternoon as frenzied shoppers packed aisles in search of last-minute buys.  Queues snaked around the entire length of some stores as shelves rapidly emptied of items such as bread, milk and leeks with reports in some areas of brawls breaking out between customers desperate to snap up highly coveted items.

“I didn’t realise that New Years Day was as soon as tomorrow,” confessed one confused shopper.  “But as soon as I found out, knowing that all the shops would be closed, I had to come down and do my shopping.  I don’t particularly need anything at home, but the thought that I can’t go shopping tomorrow means that I have to get whatever I can get my hands on today.  I don’t care what it is,” the shopper continued, “I just need to shop!”

Upon learning of the carnage in stores across the country, the government moved swiftly to remind citizens that the world is not ending and that shops will return to business as normal on Monday.


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