Tag Archives: Kate Middleton

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Wills and Kate – A message

Yesterday the entire country was bathed in glorious sunshine and the radiant glow of  your wedding.  The streets were bustling with millions of joyous Brits in celebration of the happy occasion as the whole nation came together like only Great Britain can.

In this time of economic downturn, growing unemployment and drastic cuts to public service, your wedding gave us reason to smile.  Reason to believe in a better future.  Reason to be British.

It is with this in mind that we, the media, have collectively decided that we will not repeat the mistakes of the past.  There will be no scramble for paparazzi photographs of you in your private moments.  There will be no reporting of sordid, sleazy rumour.  We will respect your privacy and your right to live your life as a normal, happy couple.

All of the media.

On other pages…

  • That balcony kiss – was it proof that William is seeing another woman?  (page 5)
  • Exclusive details of Wills and Kate’s wedding night romp (pages 6,7,8 & 9)
  • Snapped:  Kate prepares to change into her stunning dress (page 12)

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Royal Wedding LATEST: William to say his vows in German

With less than twenty-four hours to go until the event which the world has been waiting 2011 years to celebrate – the marriage between Prince William and Kate Middleton – sources at Westminster Abbey are this evening suggesting that William has decided to say “at least a couple” of his wedding vows in German.

In what is one of the most eagerly anticipated parts of the ceremony, with billions of people around the globe and, indeed, the galaxy as a whole waiting with bated breath to discover the depth of romantic sentiment in the words spoken by William and Kate, the Westminster Abbey source says that the loving Prince has chosen that moment to dedicate to his grandfather, Prince Philip.

“What better way to pay tribute to his dearly beloved grandfather than to say some of his vows in German?” commented the source.  “The German language can only add to the romance of the entire occasion.”

“William wants to celebrate his family’s heritage and integrate it into the ceremony.  He will no doubt make Philip and the entire family proud.”

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Easter story to be updated to include reference to Royal Wedding

Church of England sources have today confirmed a controversial proposal to amend the official story of Easter to include a reference to the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Discussions are at an advanced stage amongst high-ranking Church of England officials regarding the exact wording of the text, but it is believed that the reference to the Royal Wedding has been agreed as a means of “modernising the death and resurrection of Christ.”

Pending approval, an early draft of the re-written Easter story contains the line:  “And Jesus Christ rose from the dead in eager anticipation of the marriage between His Royal Highness Prince William of Wales and Miss Catherine Elizabeth Middleton.”

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Royal Wedding celebration to be compulsory

With only two weeks left until the Royal wedding between Prince William and Kate Middleton, the House of Commons today passed a bill which would make celebration of the event compulsory in Britain.

As the landmark occasion approaches on the 29th of April, Members of Parliament voted 501-145 in favour of requiring all citizens of the United Kingdom to share in the happiness of William and Kate and celebrate the historic union.

Said one Westminster source:  “The government is determined that this day is going to be one of joy, happiness and celebration across the country.  The marriage of William and Kate is going to unite the country just as it is uniting two rich families [is this right?]  This is exactly what we need in these times of economic hardship.”

It is believed that plans are already in place to hold mandatory street parties in every British town and city with partygoers being encouraged to wear novelty Union Jack hats and drink responsibly.

Officially appointed “Royal Wedding Celebration Co-ordinators” will be present at each party to ensure that everyone is smiling and revelling in the celebratory atmosphere of the day.

It is understood that anyone found to not be celebrating the wedding will be subject to a punishment of 50 lashes or community service.


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Diana gives Royal Wedding her blessing through medium

It’s an ice-cold Boxing Day night in a flat somewhere in southwest London.  The leftover turkey has long since been eaten and the presents which once bulged beneath the Christmas tree have disappeared.  But this bold Daily Express reporter and the psychic medium in his company are about to discover that there is one final gift for the Royal Family.

A brisk wind rattles the single-glazed windows as trained medium Marian Twinette places her Ouija board on the firm yet still superbly delicate surface of my coffee table.

She explains to me what the Ouija board does as we light a series of scented candles around the room.

We know that Diana will be attracted by a vague vanilla essence.

An undetermined period of time passes with Marian and myself hunched hopelessly over this Ouija board, the glass sitting curiously still on the lettered surface.

Our attempts to contact the late Princess seem futile.

“Try reminding her of some of her favourite things in the living world,” Marian whispers to me.

“Helping AIDS victims in Africa!”


“Bringing attention to the dangers of land mines!”


“Expensive jewellery!”

The juice glass shuddered on the Ouija board.  We had made contact with the People’s Princess herself.  After confirming her identity through a series of common questions – name, date of birth, husband (although this one proved a little more difficult to answer!) – we asked Diana the one question which the entire nation wanted answered.

Do you approve of Prince William’s marriage to Kate Middleton?

After a brief respite, we sat in awe as Marian’s hand was guided around the Ouija board by the spirit of Princess Diana.  ‘Y’ quickly followed by ‘E’ and then on to ‘S’ gave the answer every British person and Daily Express reader wanted to see.

We sat thoroughly satisfied with the outcome of the evening’s events, radiant in the knowledge that our uncrowned Queen Diana had given her blessing to the Royal Wedding.

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William and Kate announce wedding date


Prince William will marry Kate Middleton on Friday April 29 next year, Clarence House revealed today.  The date appears to have been selected with the wishes of  William’s best man in mind, as brother Harry had urged him to choose the historically significant date.

The Coalition government has also confirmed that to celebrate the happy event the day will be a public holiday – and with the traditional Mayday holiday following on the Monday afterwards, it will mean a four-day bender for cheerful Britons.

It is thought that Prince Harry will suggest a costume theme to proceedings as the Royal Wedding falls on the same date as Adolf Hitler married Eva Braun in 1945.

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Journalists admit: we have nothing interesting to report

A group representing some of Britain’s best-known newspaper journalists has admitted that they have no interesting stories to report in their publications.

The journalists, wishing to remain anonymous, claim that editorial demands for features on the Wills/Kate Royal Wedding have left them no time to report on events occurring elsewhere.

“We just don’t have enough time anymore to report on important political stories or heart-warming human interest stories, because all our editors have been interested in since Tuesday is printing stories about the Royal Wedding.  They are wanting articles on every ridiculously pointless detail – things we can’t even possibly know yet, such as potential starter dishes and the precise diameter of the confetti to be thrown outside Westminster Abbey.”

“The sad thing is that we all know that there are real stories happening out there, just waiting to be reported on and published in a national newspaper, but it is our priority to find as many stories about the wedding as humanly possible.  Just today I have spent my afternoon producing copy about the positive effect the Royal Wedding will have on banana growth in Ecuador next year.”

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