Tag Archives: Iran

Calls for United States to launch military action over Iranian space monkey

From our Washington correspondent

The United States government was this afternoon considering a plan to take swift and decisive action against Iran after news emerged from Tehran that the Islamic Republic had successfully launched a monkey into space.

The Iranian Defence Minister, General Ahmad Vahidi, had earlier claimed that the regime had launched the unnamed chimp 75 miles into the sky in a capsule named Pishgam as the government steps up its space programme.

Republican Senators quickly pounced on the news as further proof of President Obama’s weakness on foreign affairs, citing the space monkey as evidence of Iran’s dastardly and evil intentions to launch chemical warfare against the west.

“Now the Iranians have flying monkeys, what next?” Demanded one Republican.  “This act of launching a chimp into the sky is clear evidence that Tehran is gathering an army of flying monkeys to transfer biological weapons into the United States.  What will the President do about it?”

One Fox News analyst challenged the President to “abandon his war against innocent American gun owners” and instead “tackle the threat of rogue nuclear weapon bearing Iranian monkeys.”

“Instead of taking guns away from law-abiding American citizens it is time for our President to arm every monkey, chimpanzee and ape in America with an assault rifle in order to wipe out these Iranian space monkeys,” said the Fox News journalist.

President Obama is yet to issue a statement.


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United States blames Iran for Facebook crash

Iran's President Ahmadinejad

Yesterday’s Facebook crash “was a calculated attack on Western freedom and values” according to the United States Secretary of Defense Robert Gates, who believes that the social networking site was targeted by Iran.

Many of the site’s 500 million users were unable to log on yesterday evening due to an apparent software flaw, forcing Facebook to shut down for approximately two hours while engineers fixed the problem.

However, Mr Gates suspects that something much more sinister was behind the crash, telling delegates at last night’s meeting of the General Assembly at the United Nations headquarters in New York City that he believes it was the work of Iran.

“Iran, under the leadership of their President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has been looking at ways to infiltrate and to damage America and her citizens for some time now, and what better way to achieve that than to take away something which so many people rely on in their daily lives?  Make no mistake, this was an attack on the freedom which American people enjoy and the values which President Ahmadinejad resents.”

The Secretary of Defense continued with a thinly veiled threat.  “The United States government will fully investigate any role Iran may have played in the Facebook crash yesterday, and any evidence we find linking Iran to this attack will be dealt with in whichever manner we deem appropriate.”

President Ahmadinejad doesn’t like these allegations.

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