Orange-faced hitman Kenny Miller
The owner of a trendy tanning salon in Glasgow’s West End is today worried that his livelihood may be in jeopardy following the news that perma-tanned Rangers striker Kenny Miller could be moving to Birmingham.
Joe McBride’s Facial Fry-Up has been in operation since 2004 and has experienced a significant increase in trade since Scotland international Miller returned to Glasgow two years ago.
Now Joe fears that Miller’s transfer to Birmingham City could ruin his business.
“Kenny has been a tremendous customer at Facial Fry-Up. We see him at least twice a week, occupying our special booth which works on the chin upwards for anything up to three hours at a time. I’m in no doubt that Kenny’s return to Rangers has kept us in business.”
Mr. McBride added, “with the recession meaning that more people are looking for cheap spray tan solutions rather than the more expensive, specialised treatment we offer, coupled with the recent imprisonment of Tommy Sheridan, we’re relying on Kenny Miller more than ever. If he moves to Birmingham I can’t see my business surviving.”
Similar fears were expressed by the owner of a high-end sex shop over rumours that Allan McGregor may also be sold by Rangers.
A "time traveller" was said to be seen in Glasgow city centre
Pedestrians in Glasgow’s bustling city centre this morning reported witnessing what they believed to be a figure transported from the past walking the rain-sodden streets.
Stunned onlookers stood aghast as a man appearing to be from the 1980’s wandered up and down the city’s popular shopping district along Sauchiehall Street.
Witnesses from the scene had reported seeing a man who appeared to be “dazed and confused” walking the busy street at around 10:30am wearing what some described as “1987 style shellsuit” clothing and speaking in a “mangled form of the English language”.
The apparent time traveller looked to be bemused by many of the technological advances in the city.
However, upon further investigation of Glasgow’s visitor from the past, it was discovered that the man was, in fact, a day traveller from Dundee.
As a spectacular closing ceremony brought the 19th Commonwealth Games to an end in Delhi, the responsibility for the hosting of the next Games in 2014 was passed to Glasgow.
With a mixture of martial arts and marching pipe bands adding colour and nationalism to the occasion, the Games were concluded in extravagant fashion, with Glasgow’s Lord Provest Robert Winter accepting the Commonwealth flag from Tejinder Khanna to mark the beginning of the countdown to the 2014 games in Scotland.
“This is an extremely proud moment for the people of Glasgow,” commented the Lord Provest. “We accept this flag in great confidence that we can emulate the fine success of the games here in Delhi. Everyone in Scotland is confident that the experience of the slums and poverty witnessed here in Delhi can at the very least be matched by the east end of Glasgow.”
Pope Benedict XVI waves to the crowds at Bellahouston Park as he prepares to leave Glasgow
It was, as Susan Boyle may or may not sing on her next album, such a perfect day. From the moment Pope Benedict XVI arrived in Edinburgh yesterday morning for his four-day State visit of Britain, the sun had shined and the crowds continued to swell, allaying any fears some may have had about a lack of interest in the Papal Visit.
Mothers brought their babies out to be blessed, schoolchildren representing schools up and down the country were in attendance and there were even those old enough to remember a time when religious faith still had relevance in Britain.
As his Holiness concluded a large open air Mass in Bellahouston Park, the same Glasgow greenery where Pope John Paul II celebrated almost thirty years ago, many agreed that the Pope’s visit in Glasgow and Edinburgh – his first in Britain – had been a resounding success.
However, as Pope Benedict boarded the Popemobile, the massive crowds still eager for one final glimpse of the Holy Father on this historic day, He is reported to have turned to his personal assistant Father (Monsignor) Georg Gaenswein and expresses His one single regret upon leaving Glasgow for England.
Asked what that regret was, Pope Benedict XVI responded in his familiar Bavarian tone, “we didn’t see The Krankies….”