Tag Archives: George Osborne

Budget: A motorist speaks

Perhaps the most celebrated of the Chancellor’s announcements in yesterday’s budget was the brave decision to slash 1p off the price of petrol.

Despite the left-wing media’s insistence on highlighting government cuts and stalling growth, yesterday’s budget showed that George Osborne does have a heart, and a very giving one at that, as his policy to substantially cut the cost of fuel will ensure that every Briton has extra money in their pocket.

This was evident in station forecourts the length and breadth of the country this morning as enthusiastic motorists took advantage of the Chancellor’s unexpected generosity.

Yesterday as prices stood as high as an eye-watering £1.35 per litre the forecourts were like a deserted wasteland, with consumers hesitant to fill their vehicles in fear that the cost might leave them bankrupt.

Contrast this with the scenes of economic flurry today as car loads of families flocked to the petrol pumps eager to top-up their tanks knowing that Mr. Osborne’s 1p reduction in fuel would save them a fortune.

“I’ve just filled up my tank,” said one delighted driver.  “I can’t believe that I’ve saved thirty pence on what I would have spent yesterday.  I don’t know what I’m going to do with the extra money I’ve got, but if I keep saving money like this I’ll have an extra pound or two by the end of the month.  Thank you George Osborne!”

Another thrilled motorist planned to drive her car more in order to save enough money to take a holiday abroad.  “Taking a penny off the price of a litre of petrol has given me a new lease of life!”


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Osborne announces tax on bad news

Chancellor George Osborne shocked politicians and pundits alike today when he used his Spring Budget to announce the introduction of a new tax on bad news stories.

The announcement came as part of a budget which once again focussed on stabilising the faltering economy, with Mr. Osborne insisting that the introduction of a tax on bad news would generate billions of pounds for the British economy.

In a press release issued minutes after the end of the Chancellor’s budget statement Mr. Osborne detailed the government’s plans to tax news outlets such as newspapers and 24-hour television channels as much as £14,000 for reporting stories such as the poor state of the economy, the drastic government cuts and military action taken in foreign countries.

“It’s time for Britain’s costly obsession with bad news stories to end,” said the Chancellor.  “If news outlets wish to continue reporting about how bad the economy is, the least they can do is contribute to its revival.  In the meantime, we’re hoping that as well as generating new income for the economy, this measure will result in an increase in feel good news stories, such as how wonderfully well the coalition are working together and how the government’s fiscal policies are saving the country’s women and children.”

Our editor would like us to point out that this is a good news story.

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UK economy suffers from shock shrinkage

Chancellor George Osborne today insisted that the projected shrinkage in the UK economy in the fourth quarter of 2010 can be attributed purely to the cold weather suffered at the end of the year and that it wont change his budget plans.

The economy shrank unexpectedly by 0.5%, but Mr Osborne believes that is down to the “shrinkage factor” caused by heavy snowfall.

“Everybody knows about shrinkage, don’t they?”  Mr. Osborne asked.  “We experienced an unusually cold winter which obviously led to significant shrinkage in the economy.”

“I feel that anyone who is judging our policies on these figures is under a complete mis-apprehension.  The fourth quarter figures are completely the effect of shrinkage.”

“Shrinkage is common knowledge, isn’t it?”  Mr. Osborne asked once again, seeking reassurance.

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Liberal Democrats to be a third less liberal

Yesterday’s historic Spending Review by Chancellor George Osborne will require that the Liberal Democrats become a third less liberal in what commentators described as a bold political move by the government.

Mr Osbourne argued for the change in his statement to the House of Commons, telling MP’s that the success of the coalition government and Britain’s survival through a series of devastating cuts depended on the Liberal Democrats ignoring their core values and becoming less liberal.

The reduction will be back-dated to June.

More Spending Review news:

  • UK rain to be made carbon efficient
  • Milton Keynes to be abolished
  • Winter fuel allowance to be replaced by new provision of six copies per household of John Keynes’s The General Theory of Employment, Interest and Money for burning

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Tweets to be reduced under Spending Review

George Osborne’s words that “we are all in this together” will extend into the social networking sphere with his announcement that Tweets will be 10% shorter as a result of measures to be implemented in the government’s Spending Review.  As of January 2011, all Tweets posted on the social networking site Twitter will be limited to 126 characters.

Critics are already lamenting the move as another attack on the unemployed and those in low-paid jobs.

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Spending Review cuts humour in Michael McIntyre’s jokes

The BBC comedian will be one of many to suffer as a result of the government cuts

Chancellor George Osborne has announced that popular comedian Michael McIntyre’s jokes will now be 15% less funny as a result of the government Spending Review.  The sharper than expected cut will mean that the Comedy Roadshow star will no longer be funny at all.

More to follow.

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Government accused of taking austerity measures too far

Chancellor George Osborne has been blamed for the venue gaffe

The government today stood accused of going too far in its “age of austerity” as some Conservative Party members blamed Chancellor George Osborne for an embarrassing mix-up which saw the party’s Autumn conference being held in a car park next to the ICC in Birmingham.

Insiders claim that Mr Osborne’s strict budgeting for the annual event, which was scheduled to be held in the ICC over four days, led to the party being unable to hire the venue for the final two days of the conference.  This meant that delegates turning up at Birmingham’s ICC this morning were faced with the humiliation of being denied access to the building, instead being directed to an adjacent car park which had hastily been transformed into a makeshift conference venue.

One MP commented:  “We are all very aware of the need for deep cuts during these difficult economic times, but this is one of the most ridiculous experiences of my life.  I had heard the rumours, like many others, that the Chancellor was trying to save money during conference season, and most of us expected that maybe we would forfeit some of the free drinks and expensive lunches which were associated with the party conference in the past, but I don’t think that anyone could have predicted that we would be holding half of the conference in a car park!”

Another Conservative MP was almost incandescent with fury:  “He’s gone too far this time!  Of course there are some difficult decisions to be made, but holding the party conference in a car park is one cut too many!”

One delegate was overheard muttering as he passed through the “pay and display” meter:  “This would never have happened under Thatcher….”

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