Tag Archives: European Court of Human Rights

Fig rolls to be banned under new EU Human Rights law

The famous fig roll, bought by many and eaten by few who will admit to it, is to be banned under a new EU directive which protects the consumer against tasty looking products which actually taste like baked evil.

Sources in Strasbourg suggest that the European Court of Human Rights is considering a proposal which would prohibit supermarkets within the European Union from selling the pastry encased figs after a string of complaints from consumers who have picked up a packet of fig rolls from the biscuit aisle, believing them to be a tasty sweet treat, only to discover the truth – that they are one of mankind’s most vile creations.

Now it is the belief of high-powered lawyers in Strasbourg that selling fig rolls to consumers under the impression that they are biscuits contravenes their human rights and that sales of the product should be prohibited immediately.

“I bought a packet of fig rolls one time when I was walking down the biscuit aisle.  I noticed them on the shelf and thought that they looked interesting,” said one unsuspecting customer from Luton.  “So I picked them up out of curiosity and bought them.  Once I was home I couldn’t wait to get the kettle on and get stuck into this packet of fig rolls.  But when I took a bite out of the pastry and had a mouthful of the filling, I thought I was eating poison.  I felt sick almost right away.  It was disgusting.  How can supermarkets get away with selling these things in the biscuit aisle?”

It is estimated that fig rolls will be outlawed across the European Union by the end of 2011 if the legislation is passed through the European Court of Human Rights.

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Yellow melon to be re-shaped under new European legislation

The classic yellow melon

Next time you visit your local greengrocer or find yourself in the fresh produce section of your high street supermarket, take a moment to admire the selection of yellow melons on offer.  Savour the tremendous curvature of the fruit, the unique shape which sets it apart from everything else in the aisle.  Because some time in the future that wonderful shape may be but a distant memory as new EU legislation will require the yellow melon to be re-shaped.

The controversial new law has been recommended in the aftermath of an unprecedented case which came before the European Court of Human Rights earlier this week, in which a young Belgian woman successfully sued the owner of a small grocery outlet in Ghent, after arguing that the sight of the melons caused her “undue stress and upset” as a result of their “overtly sexual appearance”.  The Belgian woman described the shape of the melon as being “distinctly breast like”, a feature which she argued to the court, “diminished my sense of femininity”.

It is yet to be determined what form the new yellow melon will take, or indeed whether it is even possible to change the shape of the fruit.  European ministers are currently investigating whether it is feasible to manipulate the shape of the melon whilst it is in the ground.  Depending on the outcome of their research it may be that the yellow melon may have to be sold in slices from supermarket shelves.

A similar case involving a banana was dismissed from the court with the judge telling the German banker:  “In your dreams…”

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