Tag Archives: Easter

Easter story to be updated to include reference to Royal Wedding

Church of England sources have today confirmed a controversial proposal to amend the official story of Easter to include a reference to the marriage of Prince William and Kate Middleton.

Discussions are at an advanced stage amongst high-ranking Church of England officials regarding the exact wording of the text, but it is believed that the reference to the Royal Wedding has been agreed as a means of “modernising the death and resurrection of Christ.”

Pending approval, an early draft of the re-written Easter story contains the line:  “And Jesus Christ rose from the dead in eager anticipation of the marriage between His Royal Highness Prince William of Wales and Miss Catherine Elizabeth Middleton.”

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Morrisons to sell world’s first free-range Easter egg

Supermarket chain Morrisons today announced that it intends to become the first retailer in the world to sell a new brand of free-range chocolate Easter eggs, with the first batch expected to hit shelves as early as this Friday.

The company has obtained exclusive rights to the product which has been specially reared on a farm in Norfolk by chocolate producer Jimmy Mars.

Mr Mars has been working his entire life in search of a way of successfully farming chocolate in a free-range environment and is excited that his work has finally been recognised by a national grocery store.

“This is a dream come true for my family and I,” explained Mr Mars.  “I’ve been a chocolate lover all my life, but as much as I enjoy a bar of chocolate I’ve felt that there must be a better way of making it.  Then I read an article on the advance of free-range eggs and the advantages of buying free-range chickens, and I thought to myself, if we can have free-range eggs and free-range chickens, then why can’t we have free-range chocolate and Easter eggs?”

“So I locked myself in my basement for 18 months, having little contact with the outside world, even my wife, and I began to construct plans for a free-range chocolate farm.  It was difficult when I first presented the final plans to potential investors and the local council.  The most common response was stifled laughter and mock rejection, but I was eventually able to raise enough capital to build my farm and begin producing free-range chocolate.”

Bosses at Morrisons soon became aware of Mr Mars’s project and showed an interest in becoming sole buyer after learning of the potential health benefits from eating free-range chocolate produced on the farm.

“Not only does my free-range chocolate taste better than regular mass-produced chocolate, but it is also better for you.  Our farm provides vast, expansive space for the chocolate to roam and live in before being transported to the supermarket in a velvet cushioned Rolls Royce.”

“The chocolate enjoys a happy and fulfilling life on the farm in a comfortable free-range environment, making it a much more enjoyable and healthier treat by the time it is ready for transport.”

The free-range Easter eggs will be available in selected Morrisons stores from this Friday at a retail price of £19.99.

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