Don’t worry too much if you have found yourself in an even greater state of panic-stricken depression than normal this morning – everyone else is feeling the same way, as a combination of factors make today the most depressing day of the year, according to psychologists.
Statistically speaking, the third Monday of the year, named ‘Blue Monday’, is worse than any other day thanks to the combination of post-Christmas blues, a pile-up of debt and sodden British weather.
Other reasons to feel suicidal may include:
- The discovery of a new strain of the flu virus which can be caught as soon as you open your front door
- Britain’s debt spiralling so far out of control thanks to the previous government that your home and all of your possessions will likely be worthless by August
- Any jobs which do happen to be available in the tightening employment sector are probably going to be taken by illegal immigrants before you have time to write your name on an application form
- The BBC
- New European legislation restricting YOUR right to inhale oxygen
- Health and safety laws introduced by the previous government mean that you will have to sign a waiver before you leave your house exonerating the government of all blame for anything which might happen to you
Scientists recommend that the best way to beat the blues is to stop buying the Daily Mail.
Labour leader Red ‘Ed’ Miliband and his partner yesterday announced the birth of their second child out-of-wedlock.
Mr. Miliband and his partner Justine Thornton already have a 17-month-old son, although it was revealed at the time of his birth that the Labour leader is not legally registered as Daniel’s father.
It is unclear whether Red Ed will be man enough to put his name on the birth certificate of his latest illegitimate child, but the Daily Mail understands that the public opinion of a morally outraged Britain will likely shame Mr. Miliband into registering his name.
Whether Red Ed does or does not register as his new son’s legal father is no longer the issue, though. We’re talking about the leader of the opposition in a modern Britain fathering two children outside of marriage.
As if pandering to the trade unions and proposing a set of economic policies which would destroy Britain’s fragile economy, this monstrous socialist is living a private life which threatens to ruin the traditional British family by setting a dangerous example to the people Mr. Miliband is supposed to represent.
Having children out of marriage is the sort of thing people living in Afghanistan or Zambia or some other far-flung foreign land do. But it is not the British way to bring up a family, and Red Ed should remember this.
Of course, we’re not saying that every man who produces a child outside marriage is a vile person, we’ll leave it up to our reader to come to that opinion, but it is our belief that in a fair, modern Britain a child born from a married couple will grow up to become a better rounded person than a child that isn’t.
You will almost certainly see Prime Minister Florence Rose Endellion Cameron before you see a Prime Minister Miliband.
President Nicolas Sarkozy’s plan to raise the age at which French workers can retire from 60 to 62 has led to widespread disapproval across the country, according to our international correspondent Phil La Paige, who has spent the last week in France observing the reaction to the government’s controversial policy.
In the words of our correspondent, he has witnessed evidence that “the French people are revolting, the city of Paris is revolting and indeed the entire country is revolting.”
“The greatest observation I have made during my time in France is that the people like nothing better than to display their ability to revolt. There was one occasion where I was enjoying a beverage in a Parisian street cafe, when the couple opposite me raised a complaint with the waiter. The wife was unhappy that her coffee was too hot, whilst the husband felt his coffee was too lukewarm. They were quite happily revolting at the table.”
It is the view of our correspondent that those Frenchmen, so keen on revolting, could do no worse than to take a leaf out of the book of our fine, dignified nation.
“The British people have gracefully accepted that the Conservative government needs to, for the good of the nation, take money away from its poorest citizens, make the elderly work longer and impose large fees on university students. This is the right attitude, and one which the revolting French would do well to take on board.”
Labour leader Ed Miliband
The new leader of the Labour Party, Ed Miliband, will implement a series of policies – should his party win the next general election – which will ruin Britain, so says Daily Mail columnist Richard Littlejohn.
The younger Miliband brother was the victor in the shock outcome of the Labour leadership vote, despite being the second choice candidate amongst party members and MP’s. Ed’s ascention to power was assured by the support of the vastly influential trade unions, and this spells trouble according to Littlejohn.
In a hard-hitting interview Britain’s top columnist warns that a government led by ‘red’ Ed Miliband will:
- place the country at the mercy of the unions
- seek to take from the hard-working wealthy to support the work-shy middle class
- allow Britain to become over-run with immigrants
According to Littlejohn, Miliband’s Labour are already deeply in the back pockets of the powerful trade unions, an arrangement which will only result in DISASTER should they come to power. The slightest sense of dis-harmony will allow the unions to grind Britain to a STANDSTILL with industrial action, which will in turn DEVASTATE the already fragile economy. Those hard-working Britons who earn a good wage will be PUNISHED with stealth taxes in order to help the work-shy middle class keep up, a situation which will lead to ANARCHY on the crumbling streets of England. That is, if Littlejohn points out, if some Eastern European arrival hasn’t already STOLEN your job.
“You couldn’t make it up,” Littlejohn concluded.
Elsewhere in today’s Daily Mail:
- David Miliband’s wife suicidal over husband’s defeat
- How dieting can kill you
- New strain of bird flu threatens to wreck Christmas for up to 20 million Brits
This woman is more dangerous than cancer
Britain’s most hated woman, Mary Bale, is not only a cat abuser but is also probably an illegal immigrant, the Daily Mail can exclusively reveal. The vowel at the end of Ms Bale’s surname is a tell-tale sign that she is a foreigner and is in Britain under false pretences, taking our jobs and mis-treating innocent British felines.
Today the Daily Mail can also reveal that:
- Mary Bale’s vile actions will probably cause another crash in the housing market
- A friend close to Ms Bale believes that she is “more dangerous than cancer”
- Inept social workers failed to spot her threat to baby kittens
A terrified neighbour told the Daily Mail, “who knows how many cats this woman has killed?”
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