Tag Archives: Conservative party

Police chief: we’ll know better next time


Students protest the coalition's increase in tuition fees


The Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson today launched an investigation into the slow response by police to the scenes of violence which marred yesterday’s student protest against tuition fees and cuts in university budgets in London.

Police appeared to be taken by surprise by the scale of the protest and were unprepared when a number of students became violent, storming the Millbank headquarters of the Conservative Party.

Following criticism in many circles of the Met’s failure to react, Sir Paul quickly announced a probe into the situation, promising that his force will be better prepared for any future protest action taken by students.

One area already identified by the investigation is the use of water cannons to deter those intent on violence.  Police sources suggest that the water cannons alone were not a strong enough measure to put off the students, with a new approach of using a cannon which would fire soap in conjunction with the water cannon being considered.

Other measures being discussed for future protests are to enforce a strict curfew of 11am for students to arrive at the site of the demonstration, with it being a well-known fact that most university students are adverse to getting out of bed before 11am, and a plan to re-designate the protest area as a “lecture hall”.


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Government accused of taking austerity measures too far

Chancellor George Osborne has been blamed for the venue gaffe

The government today stood accused of going too far in its “age of austerity” as some Conservative Party members blamed Chancellor George Osborne for an embarrassing mix-up which saw the party’s Autumn conference being held in a car park next to the ICC in Birmingham.

Insiders claim that Mr Osborne’s strict budgeting for the annual event, which was scheduled to be held in the ICC over four days, led to the party being unable to hire the venue for the final two days of the conference.  This meant that delegates turning up at Birmingham’s ICC this morning were faced with the humiliation of being denied access to the building, instead being directed to an adjacent car park which had hastily been transformed into a makeshift conference venue.

One MP commented:  “We are all very aware of the need for deep cuts during these difficult economic times, but this is one of the most ridiculous experiences of my life.  I had heard the rumours, like many others, that the Chancellor was trying to save money during conference season, and most of us expected that maybe we would forfeit some of the free drinks and expensive lunches which were associated with the party conference in the past, but I don’t think that anyone could have predicted that we would be holding half of the conference in a car park!”

Another Conservative MP was almost incandescent with fury:  “He’s gone too far this time!  Of course there are some difficult decisions to be made, but holding the party conference in a car park is one cut too many!”

One delegate was overheard muttering as he passed through the “pay and display” meter:  “This would never have happened under Thatcher….”

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Scientists explore infinite monkey theorem

An image of a monkey at a typewriter

You’ve no doubt heard it said that if you sit a monkey at a typewriter and allow it to hit random keys for an infinite period of time it will, eventually, produce a piece of text such as the complete works of William Shakespeare.  It is a theory which has been much quoted throughout history and now scientists at the University of Leeds have published a report detailing the results of an eighteen month-long study into the theorem.

The team of scientists supervised a group of six White-fronted Capuchins over the eighteen month period, with each monkey being provided with its own typewriter.  The subsequent results astonished the team.

“We went in to this programme expecting to dis-prove the theorem, or at the very least we believed that the monkeys might produce a lesser Shakespeare play such as The Winter’s Tale or Timon of Athens,” said Bob Montgomery, leader of the group.  “Initially, for the first five months or so, the monkeys produced very little but an endless scroll of jargon, numbers and letters with no meaning, but then they began to piece together whole words and sentences, and before long they were structuring paragraphs.”

As the months progressed the output from the monkeys extended to entire pages of text, leaving Professor Montgomery and his team amazed.  “I remember the day clearly,” reminisced Mr. Montgomery.  “It was a Monday afternoon and we were returning to the lab after a particularly enjoyable lunch.  What we saw when we arrived left us gobsmacked.  Between them, the monkeys had produced the entire Tuesday edition of The Sun newspaper.”

That wasn’t the end of the monkeys endeavour, however.  By early 2010 the White-fronted Capuchins had created a document of even greater significance than that solitary edition of The Sun:  the Conservative party manifesto for the 2010 general election.

“What impressed us about the latest text wasn’t necessarily the content – which was, to say the least, debatable – but it was the teamwork which the monkeys displayed on the collaboration.  To put together such a large document with so many varying ideas and concepts was quite incredible.”

With the research now complete, four of the monkeys have been returned to their natural habitat.  One White-fronted Capuchin was head-hunted by the Conservative party, so brilliant was its work on the manifesto, to serve as a communication aide to Chancellor Kenneth Clark, whilst the sixth monkey is now running its own chain of discount hat stores in the south-east of England.

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