Tag Archives: Christmas

WikiLeaks: Santa Claus is Russian spy

Julian Assange was once again the centre of the world’s attention as he faced condemnation for a series of cables which were published on his WikiLeaks site this afternoon which appear to show that Santa Claus is operating as a spy for the Russian government.

Documents sourced from within the American Department of Defense show references to a man named as Santa Claustsky who travels around the world using gift-giving as a cover for intelligence gathering.

Memo’s passed between US government officials outline a growing suspicion over the years of Santa’s ability to run such a large-scale operation – including the employment of thousands of elves and the maintenance of a high-powered sleigh – despite earning absolutely no income.

Leaked documents speculate on the possible methods which Santa could use to gather information from foreign governments as he travels from house-to-house around the world on Christmas Eve, with his ability to enter a home and leave undetected being noted as “particularly James Bond-like.”

One note reads:  “After considered study it is my conclusion that Santa Claus (Claustsky) is likely an operative for the Russian government”

The response to which hints that the United States has considered taking action against Santa:  “In light of your conclusion, perhaps it is time to go public with this?  Now would be a good opportunity to warn American’s of the risk of continuing to allow this man unrestricted access to their homes.”

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Britain faces sprout shortage

As fresh snowfall threatens to inflict further travel misery on millions of Britons in the run-up to Christmas, there was a stark warning today that the chaos on the roads could result in a shortage of Brussel Sprouts.

With snow and ice bringing many of the country’s roads to a standstill, there are fears that supplies of the festive favourite will be greatly effected as distributors struggle to deliver sprouts to supermarkets and grocery stores.

So short are current supplies of the Brussel sprout that prices have begun to hyper-inflate in some areas of the country, with reports that some stores are charging as much as £36.45 per kilo.

“At that kind of price I’d be as well buying cocaine to put on the Christmas dinner plate,” joked (we think) one shopper on Airdrie’s high street.

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