YES to AV camp celebrates victory in referendum

Our second preference won; which according to the rules of the Alternative Vote system means we won!

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Salmond thanks self in victory speech

A triumphant Alex Salmond this evening thanked himself for his own “hard work, dedication and all-round brilliance” as he delivered his victory speech in Edinburgh following a historic Scottish parliament election.

Mr. Salmond, who will now serve a second four-year term as President of Alex Salmond, was beaming with pride and smugness as he stepped off his helicopter to give the speech everyone had been waiting for.

“I would like to promise the people of Scotland that my party and I will endeavour to do everything possible to further the cause of Alex Salmond,” said Mr. Salmond.

“This is a great, historic day for the Scottish nation.  They have afforded themselves the privilege of being governed by Alex Salmond for four more years.”

“And not only is it a proud moment for Scotland, but it is a proud moment for me too.  I’ve worked hard for decades to learn to like the sound of my own voice and to constantly be able to find ways of getting publicity for myself.  So I, on behalf of my colleagues in the SNP, would like to thank myself for my efforts in getting the SNP re-elected.”

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Your print-out-and-throw-away guide to the AV referendum

Tomorrow Britain’s voters will flock to the polls in their dozens to cast their vote in the country’s historic referendum on the voting system to be used in future elections.

As one of the carrots used to lure Nick Clegg into a coalition government, the referendum will offer the British public the opportunity to decide whether a new Alternative Vote electoral system should replace the current First Past The Post system used to elect the country’s MP’s.

But the question on many some people’s lips is:  How does AV work?

Being that Britain is traditionally a nation of alcoholics we’ll use terms that everyone can understand to explain the Alternative Vote system.

It’s a lot more straightforward than everyone seems to think if you imagine AV as being like walking into your local pub at 5:05pm on a Friday afternoon.

You go up to the bar (polling station) knowing that you want to buy a pint of Tennents (vote Labour) just like you have for the last twenty years.

But then the bartender tells you that you can’t have a pint of Tennents (vote Labour) and instead offers you a pint of Stella Artois (Liberal Democrats).

You know that you quite enjoy a pint of Stella Artois (Liberal Democrats) but you don’t like it as much as your preferred choice, a pint of Tennents (Labour).

However, you really do not like Heineken (Conservatives) and so you decide that Stella Artois (Liberal Democrats) is your second preference.

But then after consulting with his stock, the bartender returns to you and tells you that because most of the customers in the bar who regularly drink pints of Tennents (vote Labour) have changed not to Stella Artois (Liberal Democrats) but instead have opted to drink pints of Heineken (vote Conservatives) you too will have to buy the drink that you really didn’t want to.

All of which means that by the end of the night you are drunk and are suffering the effects of the drink you really didn’t want in the first place (the party for which you didn’t want to vote.)

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Exclusive to all newspapers

Wills and Kate – A message

Yesterday the entire country was bathed in glorious sunshine and the radiant glow of  your wedding.  The streets were bustling with millions of joyous Brits in celebration of the happy occasion as the whole nation came together like only Great Britain can.

In this time of economic downturn, growing unemployment and drastic cuts to public service, your wedding gave us reason to smile.  Reason to believe in a better future.  Reason to be British.

It is with this in mind that we, the media, have collectively decided that we will not repeat the mistakes of the past.  There will be no scramble for paparazzi photographs of you in your private moments.  There will be no reporting of sordid, sleazy rumour.  We will respect your privacy and your right to live your life as a normal, happy couple.

Signed,
All of the media.

On other pages…

  • That balcony kiss – was it proof that William is seeing another woman?  (page 5)
  • Exclusive details of Wills and Kate’s wedding night romp (pages 6,7,8 & 9)
  • Snapped:  Kate prepares to change into her stunning dress (page 12)

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Traffic jam brings London to a standstill

Motorists in London endured a frustrating day of travel chaos as the roads of the nation’s capital city ground to a halt as the result of an extraordinary traffic jam.

Many of the major roads in the city had become impassable by 10 o’clock this morning in what witnesses described as “the worst traffic jam the city has seen in almost thirty years.”

“It was a nightmare,” said one tired motorist.  “I was hoping to travel home for the bank holiday weekend, but I ended up being stuck in my car in Central London for the better part of  seven hours.”  [continued on page 4]

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Royal Wedding LATEST: William to say his vows in German

With less than twenty-four hours to go until the event which the world has been waiting 2011 years to celebrate – the marriage between Prince William and Kate Middleton – sources at Westminster Abbey are this evening suggesting that William has decided to say “at least a couple” of his wedding vows in German.

In what is one of the most eagerly anticipated parts of the ceremony, with billions of people around the globe and, indeed, the galaxy as a whole waiting with bated breath to discover the depth of romantic sentiment in the words spoken by William and Kate, the Westminster Abbey source says that the loving Prince has chosen that moment to dedicate to his grandfather, Prince Philip.

“What better way to pay tribute to his dearly beloved grandfather than to say some of his vows in German?” commented the source.  “The German language can only add to the romance of the entire occasion.”

“William wants to celebrate his family’s heritage and integrate it into the ceremony.  He will no doubt make Philip and the entire family proud.”

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Donald Trump unable to produce birth certificate for hair

Donald Trump was today at the centre of another ‘birther’ controversy when he failed to produce a birth certificate to prove the authenticity of his hair when challenged.

Mr. Trump, a famous property developer and television personality, was part of a campaign which demanded that President Barack Obama released his birth certificate to prove that he is an American born citizen.

However, the tables were today turned on the tycoon when a group of influential hair weavers demanded that he produce evidence which proves that his famous hair is natural and not a weave as many have speculated for years.

A spokesman for the group said:  “The subject of Donald Trump’s hair has been discussed in America for several years, and the common belief seems to be his hair is weaved in some way.  But Donald has always denied this.  We believe that it’s time for Donald to prove that his hair is in fact 100% natural – if only because the weave is so bad that it is giving people like me and my fellow hair weavers a bad name.”

Trump, however, was unable to produce a birth certificate for his hair and called for the “ridiculous charade” to end.

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