Category Archives: Uncategorized

Calls for United States to launch military action over Iranian space monkey

From our Washington correspondent

The United States government was this afternoon considering a plan to take swift and decisive action against Iran after news emerged from Tehran that the Islamic Republic had successfully launched a monkey into space.

The Iranian Defence Minister, General Ahmad Vahidi, had earlier claimed that the regime had launched the unnamed chimp 75 miles into the sky in a capsule named Pishgam as the government steps up its space programme.

Republican Senators quickly pounced on the news as further proof of President Obama’s weakness on foreign affairs, citing the space monkey as evidence of Iran’s dastardly and evil intentions to launch chemical warfare against the west.

“Now the Iranians have flying monkeys, what next?” Demanded one Republican.  “This act of launching a chimp into the sky is clear evidence that Tehran is gathering an army of flying monkeys to transfer biological weapons into the United States.  What will the President do about it?”

One Fox News analyst challenged the President to “abandon his war against innocent American gun owners” and instead “tackle the threat of rogue nuclear weapon bearing Iranian monkeys.”

“Instead of taking guns away from law-abiding American citizens it is time for our President to arm every monkey, chimpanzee and ape in America with an assault rifle in order to wipe out these Iranian space monkeys,” said the Fox News journalist.

President Obama is yet to issue a statement.

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Scientists hail discovery of breakthrough new drug

Scientists celebrate

Scientists at the University of Pointless Studies and Research were rejoicing this morning after a two year programme led them to discover a revolutionary new drug.  Doctor Chris P. Bacon, head of the team, said, “we are absolutely thrilled that all our hard work has produced this kind of result.  We’re not quite sure what the drug does yet, or if it is capable of curing any of our modern illnesses, but we are confident that we will find a use for it in time.  At the moment we are just pleased that we have something to justify our large grants, despite not quite knowing what we have done.  Hopefully, if nothing else, someone can use this breakthrough drug to spam email inboxes all over the world.”

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