Wayne Rooney stunned the footballing world on Saturday when he announced via his Twitter feed that he has visited a top London clinic to undergo a brain transplant.
The Manchester United striker posted the shock news on the micro-blogging site on Saturday morning, stating that he was “delighted” with the result of the transplant which has apparently quadrupled his IQ.
The 25-year-old England star Tweeted: “Just to confirm to my followers I have had a brain transplant. I’m tired of the stupid footballer stereotype and of people laughing at how baby Kai is smarter than I am.”
Rooney later began to comprehensively Tweet on a range of subjects from Newton’s Law of Gravitation to a 43-Tweet explanation of Albert Einstein’s E=mc² formula.
Britain was today still paralysed by the shock of an adult male swearing at a game of football, five days after the incident took place in East London.
Ever since television cameras at Saturday’s Premier League fixture between West Ham and Manchester United caught the sound of a man swearing the country has been in a state of flummox, unsure of how to deal with the realisation that men are still cursing in the 21st century.
“I just happened to be sitting down with my lunch on Saturday afternoon when I fancied watching a bit of recreational sport,” said one concerned citizen. “But then I heard the sound of a man swearing and I nearly choked on my soya bean tortilla wrap! I was shocked to learn that men swear at the football.”
Another astonished viewer complained: “Once upon a time this was a great, dignified country where people could enjoy sports without hearing such crass language. Now we’re hearing men swearing at the football; it’s yet another example of broken Britain.”
One man was quoted as saying: “This incident has shamed the entire country and, dare I say, it has ruined the Royal Wedding.”
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The Sun says…
The streets of a city are seething with rage because of the horrific actions of one man. No, not Tripoli. But Glasgow.
Neil Lennon has over-stepped the mark this time, and the consequences could be catastrophic.
The Northern Irishman’s oppression of half of Glasgow’s population is threatening to destroy this once proud city.
His shameful attempts at winning football matches are provoking anger in Glasgow and indeed throughout the rest of Scotland, yet he continues to do so despite being fully aware of the trouble such actions will inevitably cause.
Lennon’s vitriolic rants have been compared to those of Col. Gaddafi, with his sickening abuse of UN peace-keeper El Hadji Diouf very nearly igniting a war. Only the dignified intervention of Alistair McCoist prevented Lennon from coming to blows with the innocent Diouf.
Lennon’s provocative behaviour, including inflammatory actions such as challenging authority, wearing a tracksuit, abusing innocent footballers, being ginger, being Catholic and beating Rangers in football matches, will cause carnage in Glasgow if it continues.
As with Gaddafi’s paranoid ramblings in Libya, the more Lennon opens his mouth the more trouble he causes in Glasgow. There is violence in the streets and inside the housing schemes of Glasgow, and it’s always because of something the fiery Lennon has said.
He is no better than Gaddafi in that regard. And like the Libyan, it is time Lennon is removed from power, before his single-minded desire to win football matches costs lives.
Orange-faced hitman Kenny Miller
The owner of a trendy tanning salon in Glasgow’s West End is today worried that his livelihood may be in jeopardy following the news that perma-tanned Rangers striker Kenny Miller could be moving to Birmingham.
Joe McBride’s Facial Fry-Up has been in operation since 2004 and has experienced a significant increase in trade since Scotland international Miller returned to Glasgow two years ago.
Now Joe fears that Miller’s transfer to Birmingham City could ruin his business.
“Kenny has been a tremendous customer at Facial Fry-Up. We see him at least twice a week, occupying our special booth which works on the chin upwards for anything up to three hours at a time. I’m in no doubt that Kenny’s return to Rangers has kept us in business.”
Mr. McBride added, “with the recession meaning that more people are looking for cheap spray tan solutions rather than the more expensive, specialised treatment we offer, coupled with the recent imprisonment of Tommy Sheridan, we’re relying on Kenny Miller more than ever. If he moves to Birmingham I can’t see my business surviving.”
Similar fears were expressed by the owner of a high-end sex shop over rumours that Allan McGregor may also be sold by Rangers.
A leading Scottish football writer is in line for a lucrative role with the security service MI5, we can exclusively reveal.
Sun journalist Bill Leckie, pictured left, caught the attention of MI5 bosses with an article in yesterday’s newspaper in which Mr. Leckie used his extraordinary hearing to expose Celtic supporters intent on disrupting a minute’s silence in memorial of the victims of the 1971 Ibrox Stadium Disaster with a coordinated outburst of coughing.
Now security chiefs are eager to put Mr. Leckie’s supersonic hearing to better use by replacing out-dated and expensive equipment and instead using the Paisley-born man’s keen listening talent.
A source from within Thames House said: “It’s true that Bill Leckie is on our radar. We were particularly impressed that in a stadium holding over 50,000 football fans, Bill was able to pinpoint exactly where the coughing was coming from, know precisely who was perpetrating the coughing and managed to use his skills further to determine that the coughing was a deliberate act.”
“That he was the only person in the entire stadium to have heard the coughing highlights what a special gift he was born with.”
“We already have plans to utilise Mr. Leckie’s incredible sense of hearing to listen in on the activities of suspected terror groups and discover what they are saying. If he can hear a cough from halfway across a football stadium, just think from what kind of distance he can hear people talking.”
The source refuted claims that Bill Leckie lacks the qualifications required to work in the security services. “Just because Bill isn’t qualified to work in journalism doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have the skills necessary for MI5. It is his incredible ability to hear whatever he wants that interests us.”
Bill Leckie is 45 and enjoys running in the rain.
RE teacher Willie Collum
Referee Willie Collum provoked further controversy at last night’s CIS cup tie between Motherwell and Dundee United when he awarded a penalty kick to Rangers.
The astonishing scenes unfolded in the 68th minute of the quarter-final at Fir Park when Mark Reynolds and United’s Jon Daly appeared to collide in the Motherwell penalty area. The coming together seemed innocent enough, but Collum immediately pointed to the spot.
Enraged United players surrounded the official, demanding an explanation for the referee’s decision to award a penalty, only to be given the incredible reply that “it’s a penalty for Rangers.”
Several minutes of confusion ensued before the referee was informed by his assistant that Rangers were not involved in the fixture. Play was re-started with a drop-ball, with Motherwell going on to win the match 1-0.
Despite the controversial incident, Motherwell manager Craig Brown refused to criticise the embattled whistler. “Referees have a difficult job as it is without me adding to it. Of course, it was an awkward moment, but I’ve spoken to the assistant referee and I’m happy with his explanation that when Mr. Collum sees a player fall down in the box it is his natural instinct to give a penalty to Rangers.”
A spokesman for the SFA described the referees error as “an honest mistake”.
As a spectacular closing ceremony brought the 19th Commonwealth Games to an end in Delhi, the responsibility for the hosting of the next Games in 2014 was passed to Glasgow.
With a mixture of martial arts and marching pipe bands adding colour and nationalism to the occasion, the Games were concluded in extravagant fashion, with Glasgow’s Lord Provest Robert Winter accepting the Commonwealth flag from Tejinder Khanna to mark the beginning of the countdown to the 2014 games in Scotland.
“This is an extremely proud moment for the people of Glasgow,” commented the Lord Provest. “We accept this flag in great confidence that we can emulate the fine success of the games here in Delhi. Everyone in Scotland is confident that the experience of the slums and poverty witnessed here in Delhi can at the very least be matched by the east end of Glasgow.”