Calls for United States to launch military action over Iranian space monkey

From our Washington correspondent

The United States government was this afternoon considering a plan to take swift and decisive action against Iran after news emerged from Tehran that the Islamic Republic had successfully launched a monkey into space.

The Iranian Defence Minister, General Ahmad Vahidi, had earlier claimed that the regime had launched the unnamed chimp 75 miles into the sky in a capsule named Pishgam as the government steps up its space programme.

Republican Senators quickly pounced on the news as further proof of President Obama’s weakness on foreign affairs, citing the space monkey as evidence of Iran’s dastardly and evil intentions to launch chemical warfare against the west.

“Now the Iranians have flying monkeys, what next?” Demanded one Republican.  “This act of launching a chimp into the sky is clear evidence that Tehran is gathering an army of flying monkeys to transfer biological weapons into the United States.  What will the President do about it?”

One Fox News analyst challenged the President to “abandon his war against innocent American gun owners” and instead “tackle the threat of rogue nuclear weapon bearing Iranian monkeys.”

“Instead of taking guns away from law-abiding American citizens it is time for our President to arm every monkey, chimpanzee and ape in America with an assault rifle in order to wipe out these Iranian space monkeys,” said the Fox News journalist.

President Obama is yet to issue a statement.

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Rooney transplant shock

Wayne Rooney stunned the footballing world on Saturday when he announced via his Twitter feed that he has visited a top London clinic to undergo a brain transplant.

The Manchester United striker posted the shock news on the micro-blogging site on Saturday morning, stating that he was “delighted” with the result of the transplant which has apparently quadrupled his IQ.

The 25-year-old England star Tweeted:  “Just to confirm to my followers I have had a brain transplant.  I’m tired of the stupid footballer stereotype and of people laughing at how baby Kai is smarter than I am.”

Rooney later began to comprehensively Tweet on a range of subjects from Newton’s Law of Gravitation to a 43-Tweet explanation of Albert Einstein’s E=mc² formula.

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Locals bemused by unusual colour of sky

Local residents were this morning left bemused when they stepped outside to see that the sky had turned an unusual shade of light blue.  To add to the confusion there are reportedly very few clouds to be seen, and some witnesses have even suggested that there is a “bright yellow thing”.

Temperatures have soared to what some locals have described as a “heat wave” and clothes are being shed across the area, with some instances of all-out nudity being reported.

“I couldn’t believe it when I left the house and saw the colour of the sky,” said one shocked local man.  “It isn’t the sort of thing we see around here it this time of year.  I don’t remember the last time I saw such a shade of blue.”

Another local resident added:  “I don’t know exactly what that big yellow thing is up there, but it’s warm and I kind of like it.”

The Met Office confirmed that it is indeed sunshine.

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New pill will take away human need to eat

Product developers at Procter & Gamble today unveiled their latest Health and Well-Being supplement – a pill which they claim will completely remove the human need to eat by providing the nutrition of three meals in a single daily dosage.

The wonder pill, which is expected to go on sale in March 2012, contains the equivalent vitamins, protein and nutritional value of a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner and once taken will leave the consumer feeling full and with absolutely no appetite.

“In this increasingly frantic modern world of ours the consumer is finding very little time to eat three proper meals a day,” said a press officer from Procter & Gamble.  “Often breakfast is skipped in the rush to get children ready for school in the morning, or to be on the Tube before rush hour.  Lunch breaks might be forgotten as a meeting runs late, and some simply don’t have the time or the energy to cook a full meal by the time they get home at night.”

“Our research also found that in some areas the current economic downturn has effected the public’s ability to eat three meals a day.  They either can’t afford to eat three times in a day or they are too worried about the recession or house prices or unemployment to eat a balanced diet.”

“It is those people who our new pill will benefit most.  Rather than have to consider three separate opportunities to eat through the day, our new pill is consumed just once at the discretion of the user and, over a period of 14 hours, it will provide all of the health and nutrition benefits of three healthy, balanced meals.  There is no need to spend twenty minutes in a supermarket after work thinking about tonight’s dinner, because you already ate it along with your breakfast and lunch before you left home in the morning!”

A box of five pills will retail at £89.99.

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Clegg looks on as ‘special relationship’ grows

Cameron and Obama share a joke at Nick Clegg's expense

Nick Clegg is becoming increasingly insecure and isolated according to Lib Dem sources as he enviously watches Coalition partner David Cameron sweet talk American President Barack Obama.

Downing Street insiders report witnessing Mr Clegg stare longingly at rolling news coverage of the Prime Minister whisking Mr. Obama on a whirlwind tour of London which included an appointment with the Queen.

“He keeps checking his phone to see if David has replied to his texts, but he never does,” says a friend of Mr Clegg.  “He tries calling but it just goes straight to voicemail.  All he can do is watch BBC News 24, hoping for a glimpse of David and Barack Obama.”

“It tears him apart watching David with another world leader,” continued the friend, who wishes to remain anonymous.  “He sees them walking side-by-side, posing for flash photographs, laughing and joking as they play table tennis with schoolchildren, and all he can think is:  ‘that used to be me.'”

The Deputy Prime Minister is said to have become an increasingly forlorn figure, watching Bridget Jones’s Diary several times a day and listening to the music of Patsy Cline.

“I think this really could be the end of their relationship.  Nick can see that David and Barack are beginning to form a special relationship.  He doesn’t understand where it all went wrong for him, but it’s clear that David values Barack Obama and the United States more than he does Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats.”

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Ken Clarke admits: I was wrong

Embattled Justice Secretary Ken Clarke today admitted that he made “a very serious error in judgement” at the House of Commons yesterday when he decided to take mushy peas with his pie and chips.

Mr Clarke confessed to reporters outside Parliament that he has been regretting the decision – which he claims was made in haste – ever since he sat down to eat his lunch yesterday.

“It has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past twenty-four hours,” said Mr. Clarke, who has been facing questions over his suitability for the Cabinet position since news of his indiscretion broke.  “All I can honestly and humbly say is that I made a mistake.”

“I knew right away that I should have taken baked beans with my pie and chips.  I don’t know what made me ask for mushy peas, but I did and I can’t go back now.”

Mr. Clarke refused to accept that he should offer his resignation to the Prime Minister, and Downing Street sources this evening said that they don’t believe that David Cameron will consider removing the Justice Secretary from his post over the matter.

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Queen orders lock-in at Guinness Brewery

The Queen’s historic four-day visit to the Republic of Ireland was on the brink of farce this afternoon when a tour of the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin ended with a Royal decree that the brewery be closed for a Royal lock-in.

Television news cameras followed the Queen and Prince Philip as they toured the famous facility, catching the moment where the art of pouring the perfect pint was explained, though both appeared to reject the opportunity to taste the Irish tipple.

However, as the cameras were turned off and live television coverage returned to the studios, the Queen – dared by her husband – took a sip from the frothy head of the pint.  Before long Her Royal Highness had finished the entire drink and, eager for more, ordered the brewery to be closed for a Royal lock-in.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said one employee at the Guinness Storehouse.  “When the television cameras were rolling she seemed very reluctant to even touch the drink, let alone taste it.  But as soon as she knew the cameras were no longer filming her she got stuck right in there.  We were all looking at each other in dis-belief.  She took a small sip and seemed content with that, but before long she had downed the whole pint.”

“She didn’t even burp after gulping it down,” said another employee.  “She’s obviously done this before.”

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