The Manchester United striker posted the shock news on the micro-blogging site on Saturday morning, stating that he was “delighted” with the result of the transplant which has apparently quadrupled his IQ.

The 25-year-old England star Tweeted:  “Just to confirm to my followers I have had a brain transplant.  I’m tired of the stupid footballer stereotype and of people laughing at how baby Kai is smarter than I am.”

Rooney later began to comprehensively Tweet on a range of subjects from Newton’s Law of Gravitation to a 43-Tweet explanation of Albert Einstein’s E=mc² formula.

Temperatures have soared to what some locals have described as a “heat wave” and clothes are being shed across the area, with some instances of all-out nudity being reported.

“I couldn’t believe it when I left the house and saw the colour of the sky,” said one shocked local man.  “It isn’t the sort of thing we see around here it this time of year.  I don’t remember the last time I saw such a shade of blue.”

Another local resident added:  “I don’t know exactly what that big yellow thing is up there, but it’s warm and I kind of like it.”

The Met Office confirmed that it is indeed sunshine.

The wonder pill, which is expected to go on sale in March 2012, contains the equivalent vitamins, protein and nutritional value of a healthy breakfast, lunch and dinner and once taken will leave the consumer feeling full and with absolutely no appetite.

“In this increasingly frantic modern world of ours the consumer is finding very little time to eat three proper meals a day,” said a press officer from Procter & Gamble.  “Often breakfast is skipped in the rush to get children ready for school in the morning, or to be on the Tube before rush hour.  Lunch breaks might be forgotten as a meeting runs late, and some simply don’t have the time or the energy to cook a full meal by the time they get home at night.”

“Our research also found that in some areas the current economic downturn has effected the public’s ability to eat three meals a day.  They either can’t afford to eat three times in a day or they are too worried about the recession or house prices or unemployment to eat a balanced diet.”

“It is those people who our new pill will benefit most.  Rather than have to consider three separate opportunities to eat through the day, our new pill is consumed just once at the discretion of the user and, over a period of 14 hours, it will provide all of the health and nutrition benefits of three healthy, balanced meals.  There is no need to spend twenty minutes in a supermarket after work thinking about tonight’s dinner, because you already ate it along with your breakfast and lunch before you left home in the morning!”

A box of five pills will retail at £89.99.

Cameron and Obama share a joke at Nick Clegg's expense

Nick Clegg is becoming increasingly insecure and isolated according to Lib Dem sources as he enviously watches Coalition partner David Cameron sweet talk American President Barack Obama.

Downing Street insiders report witnessing Mr Clegg stare longingly at rolling news coverage of the Prime Minister whisking Mr. Obama on a whirlwind tour of London which included an appointment with the Queen.

“He keeps checking his phone to see if David has replied to his texts, but he never does,” says a friend of Mr Clegg.  “He tries calling but it just goes straight to voicemail.  All he can do is watch BBC News 24, hoping for a glimpse of David and Barack Obama.”

“It tears him apart watching David with another world leader,” continued the friend, who wishes to remain anonymous.  “He sees them walking side-by-side, posing for flash photographs, laughing and joking as they play table tennis with schoolchildren, and all he can think is:  ‘that used to be me.’”

The Deputy Prime Minister is said to have become an increasingly forlorn figure, watching Bridget Jones’s Diary several times a day and listening to the music of Patsy Cline.

“I think this really could be the end of their relationship.  Nick can see that David and Barack are beginning to form a special relationship.  He doesn’t understand where it all went wrong for him, but it’s clear that David values Barack Obama and the United States more than he does Nick Clegg and the Liberal Democrats.”

Mr Clarke confessed to reporters outside Parliament that he has been regretting the decision – which he claims was made in haste – ever since he sat down to eat his lunch yesterday.

“It has been weighing heavily on my mind for the past twenty-four hours,” said Mr. Clarke, who has been facing questions over his suitability for the Cabinet position since news of his indiscretion broke.  “All I can honestly and humbly say is that I made a mistake.”

“I knew right away that I should have taken baked beans with my pie and chips.  I don’t know what made me ask for mushy peas, but I did and I can’t go back now.”

Mr. Clarke refused to accept that he should offer his resignation to the Prime Minister, and Downing Street sources this evening said that they don’t believe that David Cameron will consider removing the Justice Secretary from his post over the matter.

Television news cameras followed the Queen and Prince Philip as they toured the famous facility, catching the moment where the art of pouring the perfect pint was explained, though both appeared to reject the opportunity to taste the Irish tipple.

However, as the cameras were turned off and live television coverage returned to the studios, the Queen – dared by her husband – took a sip from the frothy head of the pint.  Before long Her Royal Highness had finished the entire drink and, eager for more, ordered the brewery to be closed for a Royal lock-in.

“I couldn’t believe what I was seeing,” said one employee at the Guinness Storehouse.  “When the television cameras were rolling she seemed very reluctant to even touch the drink, let alone taste it.  But as soon as she knew the cameras were no longer filming her she got stuck right in there.  We were all looking at each other in dis-belief.  She took a small sip and seemed content with that, but before long she had downed the whole pint.”

“She didn’t even burp after gulping it down,” said another employee.  “She’s obviously done this before.”

Our second preference won; which according to the rules of the Alternative Vote system means we won!

Mr. Salmond, who will now serve a second four-year term as President of Alex Salmond, was beaming with pride and smugness as he stepped off his helicopter to give the speech everyone had been waiting for.

“I would like to promise the people of Scotland that my party and I will endeavour to do everything possible to further the cause of Alex Salmond,” said Mr. Salmond.

“This is a great, historic day for the Scottish nation.  They have afforded themselves the privilege of being governed by Alex Salmond for four more years.”

“And not only is it a proud moment for Scotland, but it is a proud moment for me too.  I’ve worked hard for decades to learn to like the sound of my own voice and to constantly be able to find ways of getting publicity for myself.  So I, on behalf of my colleagues in the SNP, would like to thank myself for my efforts in getting the SNP re-elected.”

As one of the carrots used to lure Nick Clegg into a coalition government, the referendum will offer the British public the opportunity to decide whether a new Alternative Vote electoral system should replace the current First Past The Post system used to elect the country’s MP’s.

But the question on many some people’s lips is:  How does AV work?

Being that Britain is traditionally a nation of alcoholics we’ll use terms that everyone can understand to explain the Alternative Vote system.

It’s a lot more straightforward than everyone seems to think if you imagine AV as being like walking into your local pub at 5:05pm on a Friday afternoon.

You go up to the bar (polling station) knowing that you want to buy a pint of Tennents (vote Labour) just like you have for the last twenty years.

But then the bartender tells you that you can’t have a pint of Tennents (vote Labour) and instead offers you a pint of Stella Artois (Liberal Democrats).

You know that you quite enjoy a pint of Stella Artois (Liberal Democrats) but you don’t like it as much as your preferred choice, a pint of Tennents (Labour).

However, you really do not like Heineken (Conservatives) and so you decide that Stella Artois (Liberal Democrats) is your second preference.

But then after consulting with his stock, the bartender returns to you and tells you that because most of the customers in the bar who regularly drink pints of Tennents (vote Labour) have changed not to Stella Artois (Liberal Democrats) but instead have opted to drink pints of Heineken (vote Conservatives) you too will have to buy the drink that you really didn’t want to.

All of which means that by the end of the night you are drunk and are suffering the effects of the drink you really didn’t want in the first place (the party for which you didn’t want to vote.)

Yesterday the entire country was bathed in glorious sunshine and the radiant glow of  your wedding.  The streets were bustling with millions of joyous Brits in celebration of the happy occasion as the whole nation came together like only Great Britain can.

In this time of economic downturn, growing unemployment and drastic cuts to public service, your wedding gave us reason to smile.  Reason to believe in a better future.  Reason to be British.

It is with this in mind that we, the media, have collectively decided that we will not repeat the mistakes of the past.  There will be no scramble for paparazzi photographs of you in your private moments.  There will be no reporting of sordid, sleazy rumour.  We will respect your privacy and your right to live your life as a normal, happy couple.

Signed,
All of the media.

On other pages…

• That balcony kiss – was it proof that William is seeing another woman?  (page 5)
• Exclusive details of Wills and Kate’s wedding night romp (pages 6,7,8 & 9)
• Snapped:  Kate prepares to change into her stunning dress (page 12)